Here's to you...

This post isn't about Hudson today like the last 20 have been. He's my little love and my heart has grown twice it's size to fit him in. I know I would do anything in this world for him. To make him happy. I'll love him forever, but I know one day he'll grow up and leave me.

This post is for Curtis Hofmann, my forever love. He is my constant. I love that he will always be by my side. An eternity with him is all I could ask for.

I'm sure he probably has not felt it these last 5 months as 75% of my attention has gone to Hudson. The dogs probably slept with him more than I did that first month we brought our little Hudson home. I've taken more pictures, talk more and posted more about Hudson that I have failed to mention the man I most desperately love!

Curtis has been an amazing dad and husband to Hudson and I. I know he can't wait for the day when he can shoot some hoops with Hud but for now he is patient. Which is one of my most favorite traits about him because, like I have said many times, I have no patience. Curtis literally completes me. He is everything that I am not. And I know that sounds cheesy but it is oh so true! He always does what I ask, even if it's a back massage late at night or washing the 7 bottles I have neglected. He never complains on the weekends when I ask him to get up with Hudson in the night. And most importantly he has never complained about getting up and going to work every day. Leaving behind his wife and son. He's always been a hard worker. He knows what needs to be done to provide for our family. I wouldn't want to raise my kids with any other man and I know I made the right decision to make him my husband.

So here's to you Curtis Hofmann! I love you to death and beyond! Happy Father's Day! We made one good looking little boy and I can't wait for more to come!

Your forever wife,
Kiki

I had this framed as a gift for Curtis and it was too cute not to share!

 And these are the runner ups!

Custom made

Mr. Hud is 5 months old today! It's also been a week since surgery! I can't believe I'm a mom to a 5 month old! I can't believe I'm a mom PERIOD! Being a mom has opened a whole new door of emotions and feelings. Some not so good but a whole lot of great ones! Hudson is so stinking cute I just can't stand it! I have never seen anything more amazing than this kid. He lights up my life.

Month 5 for Hudson has brought HUGE changes as I know you've all SEEN. Hudson's custom made smile was completed last saturday after (of course) 5 months of preparation! There is no other word I can describe him with other than trooper! He is a trooper! He's been so strong and so tough through it all! He has endured countless NAM placements, he's been poked and prodded, gagged, cut up and put back together again. And still I have seen more smiles on that kid's face than all the other babies put together. I am so very proud of him. I know he wont remember all this but I will! And I think so much more of him because of it.

We have had some bad nights and days this week. He must have just been so hungry on saturday that he didn't notice his NAM was missing so he didn't notice he couldn't eat. Well Sunday he figured it out and so he's been having a hard time eating. Nothing is more frustrating that watching him struggle to eat. It's so sad and I wish I could just do it for him. And the past 2 nights ago have been no good to him. He has a stint in his left nostril that has been clogged with blood clots and he's having a hard time breathing out of his nose which wake him up multiple times in the night. And I don't blame him! I have had allergies as long as I can remember and nothing makes me more mad than going to bed with a stuffed up nose! Well Thursday I finally got down to business and while he was sleeping cleaned out his nose. It wasn't easy and it made for a crappy nap. But I did it! And he's been doing a lot better! It will be a happy day when I don't have to worry about NAMs, stints and stitches. What's it like to have a normal baby anyway?

He is looking so good! The glue over his stitches still has not come off yet and I can't wait for it to! Then I can get a good look at Dr. Beals' work! He is an artist for all I know! Hudson's nose looks almost perfect! He's been so spoiled this week since he had surgery but I figured it's ok. I've been rocking him to sleep every night and for every nap. I'm sure I'll regret it later... It's a bad habit to break.

I can't believe how active Hudson is getting. It is so much fun but I just can't keep up with him! He needs to move onto something new every 10 minutes. Tummy time is no longer an issue. I'll lay him on his back and he instantly rolls over to play. And keep your smart phones hidden! Smart phones only! If he sees one he is determined to get it into his hands! I swear he'll jump right out of my arms sometimes! He is obsessed with them and I don't even know why! He's going to be one of those technology nerds. This kid knows what he wants! The day he learns how to crawl will be a fun one...

I love that I get to stay home with this guy everyday. It has been so much fun to watch him grow! I just can't believe how big he is now. Everyone is right, you forget how little they were. I wish I could put a new born Hudson next to the 5 month old Hudson and compare them! Wouldn't that be fun!? I just can't get enough of him. I want to squeeze and kiss him all day long!! We have been so blessed to have him in our lives and we are so so lucky to have this sweet little boy!

"how you doin'?"

Long toes! Compliments from mom AND dad.

3 days after surgery

Love that smile!!

6 days after surgery

Such a goof!

New and improved!

Not many parents are blessed to have a second first smile to fall in love with. We are of those lucky few. It sure has been well worth it. I wouldn't call it a repair because to me there was nothing wrong with those lips of his! It was more of an... exchange. It reminds me of one of Brian Regan's skits. The one where he is playing in the out field for little league and he's yelling to the coach that he wants a grape flavored snow cone because it's his favorite. He tells the coach if they don't have grape then cherry is a favorite also but that grape is more of a favorite. So Hudson's first smile will always be my favorite and so special to me but his new one is also a favorite!

The day was both harder and better than I expected. We went to bed later than I would have liked the night before. Which I wasn't too happy about since I wasn't expecting to sleep the night after surgery. I got up at 2:30AM to feed Hudson since 3AM was the cut off for no food. It was hard to wake him up and I felt bad doing it. He pretty much slept through the whole bottle but he did eat it all. I held him a little longer before putting him back to bed. My alarm went of at 6:30 and I got up and started to get ready. Hudson was still sleeping so I waited until the last minute to wake him up. It's not fun to wake a perfectly sleeping baby. But he was all smiles that morning. I gave him a bath and we loaded up and left for Phoenix! I was still doing pretty well by then. And Hudson was just talking away in the back. I was actually happy that the new rescheduled time was earlier in the morning so he would be able to sleep through most of his hunger pains. But hunger really wasn't an issue all morning.
We were called back to prepare Hudson and sign a lot of papers. And then we waited in a little waiting room for the surgeon to come talk to us. Hudson even got to wear the tiniest little gown and he looked so cute in it! All he was missing was his little buns showing in the back! When Dr. Beals came in to talk to us Hudson was already falling asleep in his seat. He went over everything that would happen and what to expect after surgery. Then we talked with his nurse and the anesthesiologist who both fell in love with him. When they were finished talking it was time for them to take him. The anesthesiologist picked him and even carried his little blankie with him that he fell asleep with. He woke up a little and just laid back down on her shoulder and I watched them both walk away through the door. Then I remembered because he was sleeping that I didn't hug and kiss him goodbye! And just as I suspected the reality of it all had hit me hard. Tears filled my eyes as we walked back to the big waiting room. It was real. My favorite smile was never coming back. I had hopped he stayed somewhat asleep as they actually put him to sleep so he wouldn't be scared. I wished I could have been there with him.
The wait was better than I expected. The first 20 minutes were hard because I kept thinking about him in there and it made me sad. My mom and dad came about 30-45 minutes into the wait and then my Grannie and Grandpa and Uncle B showed up later too. It made it so much better to have them there and be able to laugh and joke. And just under 2 hours of waiting a nurse called me and Curtis back. I was so nervous to see him! My heart was pounding. It was like waiting to see your new baby for the first time again. What will he look like?!
The anesthesiologist was sitting in a chair holding a big bundled up little boy who was still asleep. My very first thought was that he looked so much bigger and older to me! You can't go through something like as a baby boy without growing up a littler faster. She got up and let me sit down and placed him in my arms. I just had to stare. He looked so different to me already. I kept kissing him and playing with his hair. I softly whispered to him so he would know I was there. I was so glad he was back in my arms. And I was so amazed at the job Dr. Beals had done. It was better than I imagine! Especially since it was only minutes after surgery. Dr. Beals came to talk to us and said everything went as planned. And after about 15 or 20 minutes of waiting he started to slowly wake up.
He was still super groggy but was looking around. He started to whimper and it made me so sad. I can't imagine how scared and uncomfortable he was. He was really raspy and kept coughing and spiting up blood. Although the nurse said that was normal since they swallow a lot of blood during surgery. It was scary to see though. Once he started to move around more we showed him his bottle and he got a little excited and opened his mouth for it. But eating was a different story. I could tell he was getting frustrated and he started to cry. It was such a different cry for him. It was so sad and I just wanted to cry with him. This was the part that was harder for me than I expected. I had a hard time seeing him like this and tired to hold my tears back. I tried to get him to eat more but he kept crying. It was scaring me. How was I suppose to take care of this poor little boy?! He needed to stay!
He did drink a tiny bit and the nurse said that his vitals were normal and that we could leave as soon as we wanted. I almost didn't want to. What was she thinking? This little baby just had surgery and now he can go home? So Curtis went to get the car and my mom came back to see us. He was still really whinny and just had the saddest cry I've ever heard. We got as far as putting his shorts on and said forget the shirt. He just wanted to be held. I was prepared for a long ride home with a crying baby but once we buckled him in his seat he went right to sleep. I sat in the back with him on our way home and tried to feed him some more but he just fell asleep to the comfort of his bottle being in his mouth. He would wake up every so often and let out a cry. My poor baby...
I was glad to finally be home. We got home around 2PM and then Curtis went to get him medicine and I rocked and tried to feed him some more. He was still having a hard time and just went back to sleep. We gave him some medicine and decided to feed him his formula now since he was just drinking pedialyte that the hospital gave us. He must not have liked the pedialyte because once he got a taste of his formula he started to eat really well and finished the 2 oz and so we gave him more which he finished really well too. It was such a relief! And he started to act so much better with real food in his belly.
My mom came over to help with him. This took some stress away and I even got to take a nap! What would we do with out our mothers?! Hudson was doing really well by then though. He even took a long nap and ate 6 more ounces. He also played a little with some toys. I was so amazed at how well he was doing now! This kid is tough!
I was really hopeful for a good night which we got! I kept him in his bouncer chair next to my bed and he only woke up once in the night. I fed him and gave him more medicine and then he woke up at 5AM and ate some more! After he woke up in the night I had to put him back in his room because although he was getting some sleep I wasn't! Every move he made I would wake up and check on him! So I actually slept better when he was in his room! Go figure.
He was a happy boy in the morning like always and flashed me some smiles! What a trooper! Nothing phases this kid. I was so excited to see those first new smiles and of course loved them! He has been so awesome and more than I could have ever asked for! I'm so grateful he is ours! He is pretty much back to normal now. He still has not perfected eating yet but it's better than I could have expected!
Oh ya and it was my birthday... ha Which really didn't feel like it of course. But I still felt special that day with all the birthday wishes. I can't tell you how important family and friends are! I don't know what has made me cry more, all the support, dinners, messages, thoughts, texts, help, and love or my little boy who just went through surgery. My throat burns just thinking about everyone who has been so kind to us. We have been so so blessed and I seriously would not have made it through these first 5 months if it were not for all of YOU! So thank you from the bottom of my heart! Our baby boy is healthy and that's all we could ever ask for.

Ok ok now for all the pictures! ;)

His morning bath. He was so happy!

Best friends.

Being goofy while waiting to be called back.

While we were waiting Curtis drew this up for me. :)

So cute in his gown!!

Falling asleep. Waiting will do that to you.

Right after we got him back.

And right after he woke up.

No fun. We were getting him ready to go home.

Just so miserable.

I didn't realize how bloody he would be. He kept drooling blood. :(

Little arm restraints.

He looks like he just sucked somebody's blood. Poor buddy. He has a tube in his left nostril that should be in for at least 2-3 weeks. Boo. It is to help give that nostril some extra support for now. It is stitched in and it'll bleed a little bit every once in a while. It's a pain to keep clean!

 Feeling good enough to play.

Mmmm blood mustache.

This was the next morning. Still the goofy little boy we love! :)

New smile!

Kind of hard to play with those restraints.

And this was this morning. 2 days after surgery. He is pretty much back to himself! Reaching for everything!

He looks tired but it was the flash. Look how good he looks! It is amazing!! Dr. Beals did an awesome job! When the anesthesiologist was leaving she said he's the best doctor in the world as far as she's concerned. :) I can't wait to see how everything heals! I love this little boy to death and I'm so so very proud of him!!!!!!

The last day of our favorite smile.

I was heart broken the day we found out Hudson would be born with a cleft lip. As I'm sure any parent would be when they find out their child wouldn't be born perfect. It was hard to hear, I wont lie, but now that I can look back at that moment I know God had His hand in everything that led us to that point. Of course when I laid eyes on our little Hudson perfect was all I could think of. My love for him never changed and if anything I thought he was even more special. A special little spirit that chose us and trusted us.

I brought my mom with me that day to my 3D ultra sound since Curtis couldn't take work off to come. We oooed and awwed as we saw the little guy move and tried to decide who he looked like. After a short time he decided we saw enough and kept covering his face and even turned his back to us. Stinker! After waiting about 15 minutes while I laid on my side to get him to move I remember the ultra sound tech brought one of the doctors in. When I saw who she had brought in I knew right away she was concerned about something. The room was dark so they couldn't notice the worry that hit my face. The tech easily found my baby's face, pointed to the screen, and then showed the doctor who began to tell me my baby would be born with a cleft lip. My heart sank. But I kept my cool as she explained more about it and that we could not tell the severity of it from this monitor but that a Level-2 ultra sound would allow us to see and know more. For a small fortune of course.

My throat burned and tears filled my eyes. I wasn't sure what to think or expect. It almost seemed unreal. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me! I've lived a pretty uneventful life. It just wasn't real. I couldn't help but just feel sorry for myself. I tried to sound normal as I asked questions and made my next appointment. I gave my mom short answers as I drove her back to work in fear I would bust out in tears. She hugged me and walked back into her office and the tears started flowing as I drove back to work alone in my thoughts. Thoughts of guilt crossed my mind. Did I cause this? I was never really big on being strict with all the "rules". Was it the x-rays from work? Was it something I ate? I always forgot to take my prenatal pills. I never drank enough water... There was a lot to think about. I sat in the parking lot and ate my lunch and did my best to look like I hadn't been crying before I would have to explain to the girls at work what I found out and choke back more tears. Instantly they were all very reassuring and caring. I was lucky enough to drive home to my Grannie and Grandpa's house since that's where we were living at the time, instead of an empty apartment. Of course my mom had told them already. With facebook messages, texts, hugs, and love my feelings about the whole situation had changed 100% by the next day. Curtis's reaction to the news gave me the most reassurance. The weight and guilt of it all suddently was lifted off my shoulders. I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something along the lines of "that's it?" and then he told me he was still excited for our son no matter what. Whether I caused it or it was just in our genes didn't matter anymore. I knew it was who he was suppose to be and that he was meant for us.

Since the day Curtis and I got married our next most important goal was to be sealed in the temple a year later, it would have been to the date but unfortunately that was a Sunday and then we couldn't do it Monday so we made it for Thursday October 27th 2011. It would be a special week for us. I prayed and prayed the week before to be ready for any of Satan's attacks on us that week that might lessen our feelings about going to the temple. That Tuesday night before the 27th Curtis and I had planned on going to the temple together before we got sealed on Thursday. It was that same day we found out about our baby's cleft lip. Coincidence? I think not!
Of course I don't think it was Satan's plan that our baby be born with a cleft lip and that it should be that same week we were to be sealed that we find out about it, but I know it was his fight to plant into our minds the anger to follow that our child would not be born perfect.
I know it was not a coincidence that we found out that same week. We were meant to find out that week on that exact day. It wasn't to be a stubbling block because for the last year we prepared ourselves for that day whether we knew it or not. We were ready to fight the evils that would hold us back from the temple and we were ready to hear that Hudson would have a cleft lip and that we would have to do what it takes to care for this special little boy. If we had not done what we were suppose to in preparing for the temple I'm sure that weight on my shoulders would have lasted longer than it did. And when I look back I can see how everything fell perfectly into place...Curtis and I decided to pay the extra $150 for the 3D ultra sound, I didn't have to go alone that day and I did have to go home alone either. And since we already had planned on the temple that night it helped to fill in all our questions and give us peace. And besides the defect we were still blessed with a perfectly healthy little boy!

"if ya are prepared ye shall not fear." D&C 38:30
And so here we are just hours away from surgery time! A day I have anticipated since we knew he would have to have surgery. And this extra week went by so fast! It has been a secret blessing! I had a lot of worry and anticipation build up for his first surgery date that when I found out it would have to be rescheduled it all just ... went away. Hudson has also had some really great nights this week which I know will help him with the expected sleep loss after surgery. I'm ready for this!
This little boy has amazed these last (almost) 5 months! We have been so blessed!! Not once has he been sick with anything! We have been praying for a healthy boy so he could be ready for surgery since the day he was born.
I'm so sad to see that little smile go but I'm also excited for a new one that I know will be just as easily to fall in love with. AND I put his NAM in for the last time today!! I can't tell you what a relief that is to me!! So please enjoy these last first smiles...

What I would be doing today

So we would probably be on our way to the hospital right about now but we're not. Hudson's surgery had to be rescheduled due to a death in the surgeon's family and him flying out of town. It was moved to Saturday June 9th. A day I look forward to every year... ya, that's my birthday. But honestly I don't care. It's not like I had anything great planned anyway. I'd rather spend that day with Curtis and Hudson anyway. That's what makes me happy.

You might think an added week of my favorite smile would make my day but truth is I wasn't too happy about the news. I spend the last month preparing myself for THAT day mentally and emotionally. I was ready! And I WAS excited. I even had his going home outfit picked out! I made sure I picked a shirt with a big enough head opening that it would flow easily over his head and not one that would have to be forced over his face as I worry about it touching stitches. Everything was planned out. We were lucky enough to have it done at Cardon's Children Hospital. Plus it was a Friday so I would have Curtis Saturday and Sunday to help me. Well forget all that good stuff. It's now at St. Jo's and on a Saturday. Although it's earlier in the morning at least Hudson will sleep through most of the "7 hour no food before surgery rule". There is pro's and con's I guess. And maybe Hudson just needed this extra week. But to me, it's happening no matter what so I just want to get it over with.

So now I have a whole other week of worry, anticipation, impatience, NAM and taping. And more pictures of that smile I love... :)