Friday, June 8, 2012

The last day of our favorite smile.

I was heart broken the day we found out Hudson would be born with a cleft lip. As I'm sure any parent would be when they find out their child wouldn't be born perfect. It was hard to hear, I wont lie, but now that I can look back at that moment I know God had His hand in everything that led us to that point. Of course when I laid eyes on our little Hudson perfect was all I could think of. My love for him never changed and if anything I thought he was even more special. A special little spirit that chose us and trusted us.

I brought my mom with me that day to my 3D ultra sound since Curtis couldn't take work off to come. We oooed and awwed as we saw the little guy move and tried to decide who he looked like. After a short time he decided we saw enough and kept covering his face and even turned his back to us. Stinker! After waiting about 15 minutes while I laid on my side to get him to move I remember the ultra sound tech brought one of the doctors in. When I saw who she had brought in I knew right away she was concerned about something. The room was dark so they couldn't notice the worry that hit my face. The tech easily found my baby's face, pointed to the screen, and then showed the doctor who began to tell me my baby would be born with a cleft lip. My heart sank. But I kept my cool as she explained more about it and that we could not tell the severity of it from this monitor but that a Level-2 ultra sound would allow us to see and know more. For a small fortune of course.

My throat burned and tears filled my eyes. I wasn't sure what to think or expect. It almost seemed unreal. This kind of stuff doesn't happen to me! I've lived a pretty uneventful life. It just wasn't real. I couldn't help but just feel sorry for myself. I tried to sound normal as I asked questions and made my next appointment. I gave my mom short answers as I drove her back to work in fear I would bust out in tears. She hugged me and walked back into her office and the tears started flowing as I drove back to work alone in my thoughts. Thoughts of guilt crossed my mind. Did I cause this? I was never really big on being strict with all the "rules". Was it the x-rays from work? Was it something I ate? I always forgot to take my prenatal pills. I never drank enough water... There was a lot to think about. I sat in the parking lot and ate my lunch and did my best to look like I hadn't been crying before I would have to explain to the girls at work what I found out and choke back more tears. Instantly they were all very reassuring and caring. I was lucky enough to drive home to my Grannie and Grandpa's house since that's where we were living at the time, instead of an empty apartment. Of course my mom had told them already. With facebook messages, texts, hugs, and love my feelings about the whole situation had changed 100% by the next day. Curtis's reaction to the news gave me the most reassurance. The weight and guilt of it all suddently was lifted off my shoulders. I don't remember exactly what he said but it was something along the lines of "that's it?" and then he told me he was still excited for our son no matter what. Whether I caused it or it was just in our genes didn't matter anymore. I knew it was who he was suppose to be and that he was meant for us.

Since the day Curtis and I got married our next most important goal was to be sealed in the temple a year later, it would have been to the date but unfortunately that was a Sunday and then we couldn't do it Monday so we made it for Thursday October 27th 2011. It would be a special week for us. I prayed and prayed the week before to be ready for any of Satan's attacks on us that week that might lessen our feelings about going to the temple. That Tuesday night before the 27th Curtis and I had planned on going to the temple together before we got sealed on Thursday. It was that same day we found out about our baby's cleft lip. Coincidence? I think not!
Of course I don't think it was Satan's plan that our baby be born with a cleft lip and that it should be that same week we were to be sealed that we find out about it, but I know it was his fight to plant into our minds the anger to follow that our child would not be born perfect.
I know it was not a coincidence that we found out that same week. We were meant to find out that week on that exact day. It wasn't to be a stubbling block because for the last year we prepared ourselves for that day whether we knew it or not. We were ready to fight the evils that would hold us back from the temple and we were ready to hear that Hudson would have a cleft lip and that we would have to do what it takes to care for this special little boy. If we had not done what we were suppose to in preparing for the temple I'm sure that weight on my shoulders would have lasted longer than it did. And when I look back I can see how everything fell perfectly into place...Curtis and I decided to pay the extra $150 for the 3D ultra sound, I didn't have to go alone that day and I did have to go home alone either. And since we already had planned on the temple that night it helped to fill in all our questions and give us peace. And besides the defect we were still blessed with a perfectly healthy little boy!

"if ya are prepared ye shall not fear." D&C 38:30
And so here we are just hours away from surgery time! A day I have anticipated since we knew he would have to have surgery. And this extra week went by so fast! It has been a secret blessing! I had a lot of worry and anticipation build up for his first surgery date that when I found out it would have to be rescheduled it all just ... went away. Hudson has also had some really great nights this week which I know will help him with the expected sleep loss after surgery. I'm ready for this!
This little boy has amazed these last (almost) 5 months! We have been so blessed!! Not once has he been sick with anything! We have been praying for a healthy boy so he could be ready for surgery since the day he was born.
I'm so sad to see that little smile go but I'm also excited for a new one that I know will be just as easily to fall in love with. AND I put his NAM in for the last time today!! I can't tell you what a relief that is to me!! So please enjoy these last first smiles...

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