March 1, 2013
At 10AM I'll have to, yet again, hand my sweet baby boy over to strangers who will all to fast disappear from my view. It's the hardest part of it all. Because then my mind gets creative and thoughts I'd rather not have in my head are suddenly there. He'll be almost 14 months old and what will he think of it then? My boy, who is the most curious and attentive person I know. What will he think of the bright sterilized room with shinny objects I know he would be dying to collect in his hands. I know he'll be mad when they try to put him to sleep. He'll pull his head away and try to grab the mask. Or will he be angry with the strangers and wonder where I am? Will he fight the whole time? Will he want his blanket by his side? Or will I use it to wipe away tears that slip out as my baby is out of my sight for 2 long hours? Can he just be little again? And not know what's going on and fall back asleep in the arms of the anesthesiologist as she walks away like before?
The only thing I can find comfort in is that it's HIM. It's Hudson who will have this surgery, and because it's him, I know he'll amaze us all once more. Because he was made to do this. Nobody tells my boy how to do things. He knows. It's a strength not a weakness this cleft of his.
He's made me proud.
Now I sit here wondering why I fought so hard to get that date. I've suddenly realized that I'm going to miss that big gap in his mouth. And why? It's been his cleft palate that caused him to fight so hard to eat those first few weeks. It's the reason I never attempted to breast feed him. And the reason I spend so much on his special nipples he needs. And then the NAM... And the months and months of perfecting the spoon technique. Then learning how to eat real food... which I thought could never be done. And the many many times the food has come out his nose. After many gagging and choking sessions I almost gave up. But he didn't. He kept on trying and now he can eat almost anything. It's been his cleft palate that I've been most frustrated with. And now I'm going to miss it...
So I sit here and think why? It's because its made him different from every other baby I know. It's the two uvulas I'll no longer get to see when he laughs so hard. It's the silly noises he makes. It's my baby. It's who he is and that's all I've known. And so I'll miss it just like I miss his lips I first fell in love with that a scar now replaces.
I'll have a new scar to admire though. Another one that will reassure me how strong my little man is. Another one to show just how far he's come and all that he has accomplished.
So now we have a month to prepare for bigger changes. A new anatomy. New eating habits and new noises to make. Learning how to suck and say new words. Will he sound different? Laugh and cry different? Will I recognize his new voice?
This date has come at the right time though despite my efforts to have had it over with sooner. We are financially prepared for it now, would it have been 2-3 months earlier I wouldn't be able to same the same. We were lucky enough to get it on a Friday and at Cardon Children's Hospital as oppose to Phoenix Children's Hospital. Curtis only has to take one day off of work now. And it still leaves me enough time to take care of Huddy before the new baby comes. We're ready for this!
Piece of cake.
Now I sit here wondering why I fought so hard to get that date. I've suddenly realized that I'm going to miss that big gap in his mouth. And why? It's been his cleft palate that caused him to fight so hard to eat those first few weeks. It's the reason I never attempted to breast feed him. And the reason I spend so much on his special nipples he needs. And then the NAM... And the months and months of perfecting the spoon technique. Then learning how to eat real food... which I thought could never be done. And the many many times the food has come out his nose. After many gagging and choking sessions I almost gave up. But he didn't. He kept on trying and now he can eat almost anything. It's been his cleft palate that I've been most frustrated with. And now I'm going to miss it...
So I sit here and think why? It's because its made him different from every other baby I know. It's the two uvulas I'll no longer get to see when he laughs so hard. It's the silly noises he makes. It's my baby. It's who he is and that's all I've known. And so I'll miss it just like I miss his lips I first fell in love with that a scar now replaces.
I'll have a new scar to admire though. Another one that will reassure me how strong my little man is. Another one to show just how far he's come and all that he has accomplished.
So now we have a month to prepare for bigger changes. A new anatomy. New eating habits and new noises to make. Learning how to suck and say new words. Will he sound different? Laugh and cry different? Will I recognize his new voice?
This date has come at the right time though despite my efforts to have had it over with sooner. We are financially prepared for it now, would it have been 2-3 months earlier I wouldn't be able to same the same. We were lucky enough to get it on a Friday and at Cardon Children's Hospital as oppose to Phoenix Children's Hospital. Curtis only has to take one day off of work now. And it still leaves me enough time to take care of Huddy before the new baby comes. We're ready for this!
Piece of cake.
YAY! I am happy for you and Hudson, he is so adorable!! I know what you mean about missing the cleft! He is a strong, strong baby and you are a strong mama. :) We'll pray that everything goes smoothly (I am sure it will) and he will love discovering that new palate!
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