The Date.

Friday June 1st, 2012

That's it! That's when it's all over. That's when we have to say goodbye to our favorite little smile...

I finally got the call from the surgeon's surgery coordinator to set up Hudson's surgery date! I've anxiously and impatiently been waiting 5 weeks for her to call me! The estimated date of surgery was getting very close and I just wanted to know WHEN exactly this would happen! Everyone knows the wait is half as bad when there is a certain date involved! 

So there it is, only a month away. It seems so real now... I can't believe my baby boy has to have surgery! I'm afraid I'll get him back looking totally different. I keep picturing in my mind how he might look after his lip is repaired. We have fallen so in love with his little face for the last 3 1/2 months and it makes me sad to see it go. His wide smile is my most favorite thing to see and I can't get enough of it!

I know he'll be a champ through the whole thing! Just like he has been since day one. I'm the only one you all need to worry about! I'm the one who doesn't know what their doing! I swear every time we have a rough feeding I feel like Hudson just wants to tell me "your doing it wrong!" I believe he knew what he was going to have to go through before he came to us. He came prepared and he's been teaching us all along the way! That's why he was a week late! He was getting some extra training. He was made to handle this! And I know he's ready for it! OH these sweet little spirits teach us so much! I know they are still so close to Heaven. I know he's going to been such a humble young man one day because of this! I love my special little boy Hudson!!

These are a few of my favorite things

I forgot to post our family pictures! We took them when Hud was only 6 weeks old. He was such a trooper for them! It was so early and so cold! The last ones taken he had to have his pacifier cause he was getting cranky. I'm just glad we didn't bring the bright green one with us that day!!

How I love the little family that we have become! Nothing is better!!

These were a few of my favorites...

Ch ch ch changes!

Another month down! And loving every minute of it! I can't believe how big Mr. Hud is! I love looking back at his newborn pictures and reminiscing of how tiny and new he was! He has been so much fun and so entertaining these last couple of weeks. He is just a goof ball! He is always so happy and always smiling! He talks and talk so much! I love it! And he loves to stand. It'll even calm him down sometimes. He's tired of laying down all the time! He wants to get up and go! He loves his mamma. He has started to cry when I set him down sometimes, and then I pick him up and he's fine! I don't know if I should like that or not. We are best friends.

He has changed so much in the last month. I almost feel like I'm finally getting the hang of this! He's a puzzle! The more pieces I put together the more I understand him. It's all trial and error. The whole sleep thing is getting easier too. It's not about putting him to sleep on MY time, it's putting him to sleep on HIS time. And when it lines up just right I lay him in his bed and BAM! he falls asleep all on his own!! I love it! Naps and all! I know we are a long way from sleeping through the night but it has improved a ton in the last month. Especially since I started feeding him the rice cereal, which he has been a champ about! Always finishes every last gulp! Our only issue is with his special nipples. They have a valve in the middle and with every chop on the nipple it allows more formula in. There is no sucking involved it's just by compression that he gets the formula. With the thickness of the formula and rice the valve gets clogged a lot! The little boy doesn't like when I have to take the bottle out of his mouth to clear the valve! He needs his food NOW! We'll figure something out...

I have been anxiously awaiting the call from the surgeon's surgery scheduler for the last 4 weeks. It's killing me! I just want to know the date already! I want to know when this whole NAM and taping thing will be over! I have so many mixed feelings about his surgery. I'm going to miss his wide little smiles. But at the same time it's always being covered by the NAM and the nape and the nasty denture goop that oozes out. I hate it, I hate it I tell ya! I already miss it... And then it will be over and there is no going back.

With his NAM I worry twice as much when it's in as oppose to when it's out. And it's only out for at the most 15 minutes. He has gotten so use to it that he hates when it's out, and he wont eat or take his pacifier. Funny how that totally flip flopped. So naturally it's going to be rough after his surgery and then add learning to eat with out his NAM again! Oh how I don't look forward to that time... It will be nice to not have to worry about that thing anymore but when that day comes his lip will be in one piece. :( And it's not that the NAM has been hard to deal with at all, it's the worry that it brings to me!

The improvements from the NAM have said it all though!! In just the first week his nostril opened up a ton!

Before

After

OH but we still have such a long road ahead of us.

Easter Sunday

Such a handsome little guy!

His new hangout.

OH I love this little boy sooo much! I can't stand it!!

In other news, we have started on our backyard! We WILL have grass this summer!

We can do hard things

Mr. Hud is 2 months old today!! It feels like he has been in our lives so much longer! I think you feel that instant bond and overwhelming love when your baby is born because we knew them in the preexistence. We already loved them so much and then when you see them again for the first time that familiar love comes back. Besides our new different life style with Hudson, I think that's why it feels so normal to be a mom. I have always been his mom, and always will be. :)

I felt the same when I married Curtis. I expected such a drastic change to happen, but it all felt so normal to be with him. It was meant to be all along. Our spirits recognize what is right and what is meant to be.

Staying at home with Hudson has been my life long desire. I can't tell you how much I enjoy being a mom to this goofy little boy! Although it has been the hardest time of my life, it has also been the most fulfilling time of my life. I love all the mom duties. I love taking care of our home, doing laundry, cooking dinner, crafts, and running errands. I don't think I could be happier in any other work place.

This goof ball now weighs 10 pounds and 4 ounces and is 23 1/4 inches long!! And I love every inch of him! He is the happiest 2 month old I have ever known. My favorite  times of the day are right after I finish feeding him. He will talk, laugh, and smile for a whole hour! After that his talking slowly turns into yelling and I know it's nap time. We still have not mastered sleeping. BUT, the night before last, I swaddled him for the first time and he sleeps amazing now! What the heck! I guess I never believed it, but I was desperate! He always loved to be stretched out since the day we brought him home. But I went against the natural instincts and their need to feel secure. Like I said before, he knows more than I do.

So big!

I love that he can recognize me now! I feel so much more special. :) And he has started to smile at all the toys I wave or shake in his face. And after 2 months of the same outfits he finally fits into his 0-3 or 3 month old clothes. He's more on the thin side so they are still baggy but he's definitely long enough for them!

He makes me so proud. All the hour drives to Phoenix, the long torturing appointments, and all his extra hardware does not stop this little boy from smiling. He has been a champ through everything! He can handle a lot for a 2 month old. His spirits are always high! It makes me feel better about his upcoming surgeries. I know he'll be one brave kiddo. Me, on the other hand... not so much. Whether it's ear tubes or open heart surgery, I know it's not easy for ANY mother to go through. I'm beginning to question who really IS the teacher? Me or him? We sure can learn a lot from these little people. Their spirits are pure.

The new addition to his NAM

We do what we can. :)

My mom got me this sign from a lady she works with. Because we can do hard things! Being a mom is hard, and harder than I ever imagined! I never believed anyone! :) I thought once how much easier it would be if Hudson was never born with a cleft. We wouldn't have to deal with all these appointments, costs, surgeries, worry, and mouth pieces. But then I thought of how amazing he has been!! He is seriously the happiest baby and we have truly been blessed! He was meant to do hard things! And I'm sure if my next baby has no cleft he'll come with his own set of challenges! And if I did have a choice of cleft or no cleft with this little mister, I wouldn't have him any other way than the way he is now!

That NAM thing!

The appointment of all appointments! But really it wasn't that big of a deal now that I think about it.

The little guy can sure handle a lot! After 2 hours and 3 tries we finally left with it in. And I must say, 3rd time's the charm! I thought I was overreacting about how the appointment would go. He did not do well at all with his impression so I really was worried. But I got a glimpse of hope when the assistant first tried the NAM in before she added the adhesive to it. He tolerated it very well! She trimmed it some, added the adhesive, and placed it back in. The hard part is holding it there for 30 seconds just to make sure it adheres to his palate. He squirmed and fussed and then she let go. Then he started to cry and cry. At this point I was still OK. I knew it would take some getting use to for him so I just tried to comfort him. It was in for like 5-10 minutes and he started gagging and it came loose so the assistant took it out. Hudson-0, NAM-1.

The second try I saw some more hope. I fed him a little with it in, but he wouldn't have it. After he finally calmed down, thanks to the assistant, he spit up all he had in his little belly and Dr. Glick had to take it out yet again. Hudson-0, NAM-2.

After I cleaned and changed him Dr. Glick came in and gave me a hug and reassured me. She said we could give it another try or have us come back tomorrow for another round. I knew he could get it! He did stop crying on the last try and was playing with it with his tongue.

He was so exhausted, so I rocked him to sleep and the assistant came in and slipped it in. He cried for a little bit and I was able to put him back to sleep. Yay!! (The ride home was a whole other story!)

Dr. Glick said the first bottle will be a struggle (which it was) but 99% of the time they get it on the second one (which he did). It was a stressful day for the both of us! But he was a trooper and slept 6 hours straight that night!

Taking it out and placing it back in has been a piece of cake, thankfully! I was really worried I wouldn't be able to do it! Curtis was helping me with it the other day and while I was holding it in for the 30 seconds he was smiling away at us! It was the cutest thing. Hudson has done really, really well with it. Which is why that appointment really seems like nothing now. He eats great, like always, and finally has started to suck on his pacifier by himself again. I knew he could do it! He's amazing I tell you!

The NAM

While it's in.

And you can hardly even notice it!

So tomorrow it's back to Dr. Glick! She is going to add the nasal stent. She said it wont be a huge adjustment. Thank goodness!! Tiny but tough! And we sure do love him!!

What's yours like?

If you have been curious as to what Hudson's palate looks like, wonder no more! In his happy and talkative state (which isn't rare) I took some pictures of his mouth. I have a few good ones that show pretty well what it looks like. I think It's kinda cool. He has 2 uvulas! It will be interesting to see the end results. I have no idea how doctors fill that void! Miracles I tell you!

Interesting right? His left side is obviously more severe. 

So he gets his NAM tomorrow! I'm nervous for him, and well, me too. It will stick right up there in his palate. He will also get a stent attached to it (another week) that will go up to his left nostril that will help open and form it. I still don't know the "how" of the whole process but I'll get some more information on that tomorrow.

And just because he's so darn cute...

  

Hudson's Day

Although I think every day is Hudson's day, THIS one was extra special.

Yesterday at church his daddy gave him a name and a blessing. And how sweet it was.

He looked so handsome in his suit! (gotta have that paci) And I made him a special blankie for his day. It was so fun to have our family and friends there to honor him. He really has been such a blessing in our family. He is so loved. I feel honored just to be his mom and I'm so proud. All my happiness comes from knowing I'm with the man I love and our little boy forever.

As stressful as it was to prepare and organize to have lunch at our house after, I loved it! I loved having everyone over. It gave me the chance to finally hang things on our walls after 4 months of living here! I love our home! We sure felt the love yesterday. The support of our family and friends has been enormous since the day we became parents to this little boy.